Time was every city, major and minor, had a homegrown department store. In the age of merchants, they were the original one-stop shopping for consumers.

They offered new conveniences like elevators and escalators to move customers from floor to floor, specialty candies (Hecht’s had this penuche-like confection that was always a holiday treat in my childhood,) and cafeterias.

You could find clothes, furniture, household goods, garden and yard items–if someone made it, they carried it. They were fully staffed with employees, okay salesmen, to provide assistance and escort customers to the checkout stand. Every department had them, salesmen and checkout stands, to serve customers.

Imagine a Walmart where each department (yes, they have departments but they blend them into one another so it’s not always easy to see) had dedicated people to help you (and let’s be honest, to suggest and sell you items to go with your purchase.) In addition, you didn’t fill a shopping cart full of items and go to the front of the store hoping for a little, trite interaction with the checkout clerk, but you paid at each station and could have a meaningful conversation with the helpful clerks.

Those were the days. You paid in cash or by check. If you had their credit card, which did not revolve (now there’s an old-fashioned term,) that you paid every month, your credit was gold. Only the most trustworthy customers qualified for store cards.

You got a meal in the store cafeteria, and most important, the food was good! It was one more draw to bring downtown workers into the store who more often than not purchased items on their way in or out. It always amused me that lady’s perfume was the first department people encountered when they walked in the door, the most impulse of impulse buys.

Department stores existed for a purpose and they served that purpose well as the one-stop shop. They had it all.

Federal departments exist for a reason. They gather under one roof all the government services and help that people might need. They administer the funding for the purposes that Congress appropriated the money for. They monitor for civil rights violations so that equality will be achieved for all. They carry out all the laws that pertain to their purpose.

Only if you think that the education of children is unimportant, a luxury, would you decide that the United States Department of Education is not needed. It exists for a reason, one that was so compelling that Jimmy Carter was able to persuade Congress to create it during his term, no matter how much it p*ssed Ronald Reagan off.

But that was then and this is now, critics say. Let’s go back to that department store, which has now suffered a 50% staff cut and closure of departments.

Customer: I need a blue suit. Where is menswear?

Second customer: I don’t work here. I’m looking for a couch. Got any ideas?

Employee walking out the door smacking her gum loudly: We had cutbacks. Men’s, women’s, and children’s clothing, along with cosmetics, jewelry, watches, and shoes, have been consolidated into the Human Adornments Department. Go to the basement. As for that couch, check the dumpster in the back alley.

First and second customers: Wow. Let’s go to the fourth floor cafeteria, have a drink, and talk about this.

Employee (with a snigger): We franchised that spot to Burger Queen a few years ago. They couldn’t make it and we certainly weren’t going to waste store money on a subsidy. Basement, dumpster. Get your sorry backsides to your locations.

Customer: How dare you talk to me like this?

Employee: Get thee to the basement. The big boss will walk through here with a Brazilian chainsaw in five minutes. Trust me, you don’t want to see that.

(In the basement) Customer: I need a blue suit.

Sole employee: Don’t bring that ‘I see color BS into MY store.’ All we carry is brown. That’s it. No color allowed in here; we follow Henry Ford’s philosophy, “My customers can have any color car they want as long as they want black.”‘

Customer: I want blue.

Employee: That’s the problem with you libs. Color this, color that. Well, let me TELL you something! Color is binary. We carry brown and black. Anything else is against nature.”

Customer: All I want is a blue suit. Are you going to sell me one or not?

Employee: If I do, then you’ll want alterations to make sure the suit fits you. We sell off the rack. One size fits all.

Customer: Well, I did have a growth problem in childhood. My right leg is one inch shorter than my left leg. I will need the store tailor to make alterations.

Employee, chortling: Oh, that’s rich. We fired all of them. They aren’t needed.

Customer: Whut?!

Employee: Look, pal, you aren’t meant to wear a suit. You’re not a suit-wearing guy, more like a crop-picking guy. Go down the street to the Farm Supply store. Or would you rather play with glue and glitter in the back of the classroom?

Customer: This is disgusting. This town doesn’t need a store like yours.

Employee: Finally getting it, hey Sherlock.

Customer: I need a blue suit. I have a funeral to go to.

Employee: Funeral? You wear black unless it’s your funeral.

Customer: Maybe it is.

Employee: OK, I’ve got you covered. Here’s a black suit, put it on, and go to the second floor, Paint Department. Let them spray you with the tint of your choice.